Has it really been that long?!?!

Wow! 5 weeks?? I knew that it had been awhile since I blogged, but the 5 week mark certainly snuck up on me! Good thing not many folks read follow my little blog rantings...I would hate to have disappointed them! LOL!

5 weeks and this will have to be short...it's been a long and wonderful day! Mason turned 3 on Friday and his party was today. 3 years?!?! How did that happen? I can so clearly remember nights when I would lay in bed crying, literally screaming at God for my inability to be a mother. I wanted nothing more than to have a baby laying next to me. Now he's here - he's been here for 3 years - and he's more than I could have prayed for and more than I deserve. Really. I am in awe of how funny, smart, healthy, engaging, beautiful, caring, and awesome he is already. I love to watch him play with his friends, as he did tonight, and know that I, hopefully, have years and years left to enjoy being his Mom. I love his little quirky habits, like asking to smell your breath so he can guess what it smells like. (That's funny, of course, until his Daddy prompts him to say that your breath smells like horse poop! Mason thinks that is hilarious!) I love those quiet moments when he just wants a hug or to hold my hand.

It is miraculous to me that Mason is even here today. The hurdles he overcame to even enter this world are unimaginable and, as of right now, he is showing ZERO side effects! Only God can do that. Only God can have plans so great for Mason that he was not affected by the assault on his body. I have said it many times and will say it again - I am honored to simply be a part of the journey.

Work-related travel is gearing up soon and I will be spending the better part of six weeks away from my little guy. I hate it. I love my job and gain great satisfaction from what I do, but it is physically painful to be separated from him that much. I am faithful that God has a plan for this too, and so I will be patient and rely on his will. He has never steered my wrong!

More to come...in less than five weeks...I promise!

Just sayin...

Ok, so I guess that this is kind of a confession, but also inspired by some other blogs I've read recently. I have nothing against Moms who feel differenlty from me and hope they don't have anything against me!

* I have a full time job and I travel for work. The kiddo has a wonderful group of ladies @ Littlest Lamb that look after him while I work ... I don't feel guilty working & don't want to be a SAHM. (Ok, well I try not to feel guilty!)

* Mason sleeps in our bed...not because it's a parenting technique, but because it's easier!

* My baby was formula fed and I dont' feel guilty. If I had a bio baby I'd probably still feed them formula.

* I used jarred baby food. I barely cook the big people supper ... sure as heck wasn't going to manage blending baby food. They eat 'regular' food with the rest of us now.

* I use disposable diapers. No way am I swishing dirty ones in the potty ... eww.

*I let my child watch tv. He plays outside and read books too, but I will not feel guilty because he watches a Disney movie...


Anywho ... I see nothing wrong with the co-sleeping, SAHM that breast feeds the adopted child and makes her own baby food while washing loads of cloth diapers. And I hope she sees nothing wrong with me either!

Only 3 days to go...

until we touch down in Las Vegas for my birthday weekend!!! I have always wanted to go to Las Vegas - it's been a "bucket list" item for me, I guess you could say. So, for the big 3-0 my Mom, my aunt Betsy, and I are headed West for a long weekend in Sin City!

To be honest, none of us have ever been to Las Vegas, so we really have no idea what it will be like. We don't have plans to speak of, except for dinner at The Melting Pot on Thursday night -- my favorite! Other than that we are really just planning to sight see, shop, and eat our way through the city :) Sounds like a perfect birthday to me!!

So, we leave on Wednesday and will spend the night in Richmond. Our flight leaves bright and early on Thursday morning and we will return, all too quickly, on Sunday evening.

More posts and pictures to come...

Real Mom

A while ago I tried to capture in words what Mason means to me. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get my hands on that particular piece of writing and it's really bothering me that I can't remember where it is saved, but as soon as I find it I will post it here.

Point being, I had been asked by someone why we chose adoption and while I had so many answers that came quickly to my mind, putting those answers into a coherent sentence or sentences that a stranger would understand or stick around long enough to hear was more than challenging. The truth is, while I am thrilled to talk about adoption any day, the older Mason gets the further it travels from the front of my thoughts. At one time I was consumed by all things that were adoption, I am now only reminded that my child is "not really mine" when someone takes the time and energy to point that out. Thank you, really.

What a lot of people don't understand, and it's not their fault, is that adoption is not a state of being, it's a process. Mason was adopted. He is my son, my world. I am his real Mom and he is my real son. (Hence the name of my blog, in case you hadn't put that one together yet...) I don't mind at all when curious folks ask polite questions -- I get that our family is visually interesting to some people. What I mind is when nosey people ask stupid questions, make assumptions, and think that because their neighbor adopted 13.5 children 35 years ago and not one of them "turned out right" that they are now the resident expert on adopted children's mental health issues. Please, spare me...

What David and I have learned in a very real sense over the past three years (OMG I cannot believe that Mason will be three years old in two months!!) is that biology is really just a technicality when it comes to children and parents. Mason "is really mine" because of our bond and relationship, not our DNA. He loves it when I tickle him and when we hide under the blankets on the bed. My heart melts when he smiles at me and I can't wait to see what he chooses to do with his life. I often joke that Mason could not be more David's son if David had birthed him! They are carbon copies of each other from the way they talk to the way they take their socks off. (Much to my dismay sometimes!) Will Mason ask questions as he gets older? Sure he will, I hope he does. And when that time comes his Daddy and I will do our best to explain the journey that brought us all together.

I have found that even my best attempts at putting into words the love my mind cannot explain are unsuccessful. How do you verbalize the feelings that you have for your children?

Mason is growing every day. We carry on conversations now; this evening we talked about horses all the way to Nana's house. He is funny, loving, energetic, and all boy. I hope that as he grows into a young man I won't forget these days of sticky lollipop hands and "gross" kisses - I already feel like the days of babies and bottles are growing hazy. The milestones come quickly and the days even quicker. I thank God every day for the gift of my child and privilege of being his Mom. There is nothing about me that is worthy of the blessings he bestows upon me and I am grateful.

So here's to my little guy...I love you more than words can express. You are my world and my heart.

Love,

Your Real Mom

My Heart is Heavy

So, two weeks = 0 posts! I was hoping to do better with this blogging thing. Really, I was. I will. I will do better. Starting now. I promise.

Truth is, I have thought multiple times in the past two weeks about writing, but my heart has been heavy and my mind has been full. I struggle to piece together words and thoughts in my mind, much less on paper. For those who aren't already aware - I am not a big fan of journals or diaries. I have received MANY blank books throughout my life and they all remain blank. As much as I love to write, journaling about my life just doesn't jive with me. Blogging? Well, I'm feeling it a bit more, but now my "journals" are out there for the entire world to see. Scary!! Both for me and you!

Of the mutliple issues keeping me up at night over the past few weeks has been the tragedy in Haiti. I have watched very little coverage on television because my heart just can't handle it. I have read of more tragedy and despair than I care to aknowledge exists. I'd like to think that I am a compassionate person who is sensitive to hurt and suffering anytime it occurs, but this time it's different. This time it's personal. This time I see my child in their eyes. In the chocolate of their skin, the curl of their hair, the depth of their pain. My heart breaks wide and often like it never has before and I turn my head. I divert my attention in an effort to make the ache go away. But it doesn't. Every time I open a newspaper or turn to another channel the anguish is ever present.

Perhaps it's more selfish than I would like to admit. I want to be a Mom again. I want Mason to be the awesome big brother that I know he would be. I want to adopt a child who needs me. Haiti had hundreds of thousands of orphans before the earthquake and will no doubt have that many more now. And yet, because of the politics involved in adoption, especially international adoption, the majority of these children will live in an orphanage until they reach "adulthood" and are sent out into the world with few resources and fewer chances. They will not have the chance to know a warm bed or the excitement of new school supplies. The situation for orphans in Haiti was bad before; it is even worse now.

At some point in the evolution of the human being we must stop worrying more about animals than we do children. We must place value on the smallest among us instead of the richest or loudest or most influential. We must decide that children living without families who love them is not ok, in any country at any time. Perhaps if the "business" of adoption was focused on the children it claims to save those children would not have a prictag attached to them. Perhaps.

And so in the absence of being able to do anything significant I cry to God for some type of peace. A peace that he is in control, when we are not. That he comforts the sick and weak among when we cannot. That he and he alone can bring joy from suffering and triumph over despair.

Over it. Seriously.

This was my Facbook status update about two minutes ago and I could not be more truthful! As a general rule for my life, I try very hard to be a positive, optimistic person. However, there are days, like today, that I simply cannot be upbeat and peppy. So, I am going to indulge my negative, pessimistic side for a moment and list for you everything that I'm "over." Perhaps getting it off my chest and in writing will help me feel better. Besides, if we are all honest with ourselves, we all have days like today...

Without further ado, I'm over...

• the attitude of a 2 1/2 year old whose favorite new sayings are "why" and "I don't care"
• cold weather that requires extra heaters and a Snuggie to simply maintain your body temperature. Really? We live in VIRGINIA for God's sake!!
• potty-training. enough said.
• not feeling well - I've been sick since the week after Christmas and still don't feel 100%
• a small house, too much crap, and being the only person in my family that gives a damn if they can see the carpet
• being tired. at almost three years old, shouldn't he be sleeping through the night and going to bed before 11:00pm?

Ok, that's my list. Believe me, if i think of more, I'll add them! ;)

I don't have a clue!

It has become pretty clear to me over the past few days that I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to the physical design of my blog! The great part is that I'm interested in learning :) So, stay tuned for a (hopefully) better-looking blog in the weeks to come!!