My Heart is Heavy

So, two weeks = 0 posts! I was hoping to do better with this blogging thing. Really, I was. I will. I will do better. Starting now. I promise.

Truth is, I have thought multiple times in the past two weeks about writing, but my heart has been heavy and my mind has been full. I struggle to piece together words and thoughts in my mind, much less on paper. For those who aren't already aware - I am not a big fan of journals or diaries. I have received MANY blank books throughout my life and they all remain blank. As much as I love to write, journaling about my life just doesn't jive with me. Blogging? Well, I'm feeling it a bit more, but now my "journals" are out there for the entire world to see. Scary!! Both for me and you!

Of the mutliple issues keeping me up at night over the past few weeks has been the tragedy in Haiti. I have watched very little coverage on television because my heart just can't handle it. I have read of more tragedy and despair than I care to aknowledge exists. I'd like to think that I am a compassionate person who is sensitive to hurt and suffering anytime it occurs, but this time it's different. This time it's personal. This time I see my child in their eyes. In the chocolate of their skin, the curl of their hair, the depth of their pain. My heart breaks wide and often like it never has before and I turn my head. I divert my attention in an effort to make the ache go away. But it doesn't. Every time I open a newspaper or turn to another channel the anguish is ever present.

Perhaps it's more selfish than I would like to admit. I want to be a Mom again. I want Mason to be the awesome big brother that I know he would be. I want to adopt a child who needs me. Haiti had hundreds of thousands of orphans before the earthquake and will no doubt have that many more now. And yet, because of the politics involved in adoption, especially international adoption, the majority of these children will live in an orphanage until they reach "adulthood" and are sent out into the world with few resources and fewer chances. They will not have the chance to know a warm bed or the excitement of new school supplies. The situation for orphans in Haiti was bad before; it is even worse now.

At some point in the evolution of the human being we must stop worrying more about animals than we do children. We must place value on the smallest among us instead of the richest or loudest or most influential. We must decide that children living without families who love them is not ok, in any country at any time. Perhaps if the "business" of adoption was focused on the children it claims to save those children would not have a prictag attached to them. Perhaps.

And so in the absence of being able to do anything significant I cry to God for some type of peace. A peace that he is in control, when we are not. That he comforts the sick and weak among when we cannot. That he and he alone can bring joy from suffering and triumph over despair.

Over it. Seriously.

This was my Facbook status update about two minutes ago and I could not be more truthful! As a general rule for my life, I try very hard to be a positive, optimistic person. However, there are days, like today, that I simply cannot be upbeat and peppy. So, I am going to indulge my negative, pessimistic side for a moment and list for you everything that I'm "over." Perhaps getting it off my chest and in writing will help me feel better. Besides, if we are all honest with ourselves, we all have days like today...

Without further ado, I'm over...

• the attitude of a 2 1/2 year old whose favorite new sayings are "why" and "I don't care"
• cold weather that requires extra heaters and a Snuggie to simply maintain your body temperature. Really? We live in VIRGINIA for God's sake!!
• potty-training. enough said.
• not feeling well - I've been sick since the week after Christmas and still don't feel 100%
• a small house, too much crap, and being the only person in my family that gives a damn if they can see the carpet
• being tired. at almost three years old, shouldn't he be sleeping through the night and going to bed before 11:00pm?

Ok, that's my list. Believe me, if i think of more, I'll add them! ;)

I don't have a clue!

It has become pretty clear to me over the past few days that I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to the physical design of my blog! The great part is that I'm interested in learning :) So, stay tuned for a (hopefully) better-looking blog in the weeks to come!!

There's nothing better than...

good Mexican food, family, The Bachelor, and people who love your child!! Not necessarily in that order -- it depends on the day!

My Mom and I met for dinner this evening at one of our favorite Mexican spots in town. We love Mexican food and any chance that we have to catch up over some warm tortilla chips and melted cheese is too good to pass up. Fairly early on I noticed Mason smiling and making eyes at someone across the restaurant. Now this is not all that unusual for Mason since he is quite the flirt, but a moment later I noticed that the ladies he was giggling at were approaching our table. I looked up to see Ms. Beverly and Ms. Pretzel, his teachers from his very first daycare as a baby. (He went there from 9 months to 15 months old.) In the interest of full disclosure, we pulled Mason from this particular daycare because there were numerous problems and issues. In the end, we felt like he was better off elsewhere. What couldn't be denied, though, was how much they loved and adored Mason while he was there and how much they still do! Ms. Beverly especially, was his soft place to land for those six months and not only did he remember her, Mason was clearly excited to see her. They asked me to bring him back for a visit sometime and I think that I will, because one of the things in this life that means everything to me is when someone else loves my child. There is nothing more soul-filling and gratifying than knowing that your child has all kinds of people in their world that think they are worthy of praise, smile, hugs, and joy. So, despite the rough times that we experienced during those months, I am still indebted to them for understanding, as I do, how special my little guy really is.

Thank you Ms. Beverly and Ms. Pretzel, for loving Mason like we do!

Home Alone!

It's Sunday afternoon and I am sitting in my living room with but a few precious hours of alone time. My in-laws have Mason for the afternoon and hubby is at work. I am willing the minutes to turn into hours!

I have already tackled Wal-Mart, which was actually not so bad for a Sunday afternoon, and now have a laundry list of things to get done, including laundry!! Also on my list, however, is putting together a card and pictures for Mason's birthmother. The conflicting emotions that come along with sending an update are always there, but seem intensified when the time comes to put down in words Mason's life for the last 4-6 months. I had hoped to get an update mailed prior to the Holidays, but a blizzard and a two year old slowed me down a bit. So, here I am with a pen in hand and more words than I can organize.

When David and I decided to pursue adoption, after many years of infertility treatments, we preferred as little contact as possible with a birthmother. Truth be told, I was scared of having to compete with another woman for the position of Mom. Now that we are almost three years into our adoption, however, I long for more contact than we have. I have never heard the voice of the woman who gave birth to my son, never seen her face, never heard her laugh. I can't tell Mason what perfume she wears or about a sparkle in her eye; I really can't tell him much of anything. And despite the fact that we have repeatedly asked for a picture or a letter, we have received nothing.

So, I will send pictures of Mason over the last six months and tell her how much he loves trains. I will tell her how much he is talking now and that he is almost potty-trained (yay!!). I will say thank-you again and ask for her to write back. And I will probably cry, again, for what I cannot give my child. I can't tell him who he looks like or about the day he was born. Despite my deep un-ending love for him I will never be able to give him his history, and that's not fair. It's not fair that he will grow into a man without knowing where he came from or hearing for himself why he was placed for adoption.

Perhaps the future will resolve my heartache, and I pray that it will, but I must prepare myself that it might not. I will continue to love him without boundaries and let him know that it's ok to be sad, angry, and disappointed that he was dealt the hand he was. I will also encourage him to celebrate the gifts and blessings that we have all been given and forever know that there was never a time in his life when he was not deeply wanted and loved.

Hi. I'm new here...

and this is the very first time I have ever posted on a blog. Ever. I know, it's now 2010, but some of us are slow learners, what can I say?

My best friend suggested, and I agreed, that we should spend 2010 blogging about the year that we turn 30. Yep, that would be this year. So, with only 1 hour and 50 minutes left in the first year of the day of the year, I am officially a blogger.

My resolutions for 2010?? I'm not real swift at the resolution thing, but I have a few. If I put them in writing I guess I'm bound to them, so know that I'm treading lightly as I type! First and foremost, my family has got to dig out of the avalanche of debt that we have. (More to come on that, I'm sure!) Second, as a Type 1 diabetic and fairly new insulin pumper I must become more vigilant of my health, especially my blood sugar. Third, I am beginning a new venture in 2010 (see #1) called Thirty-One. I will soon be selling really cute bags and purses that can be personalized with your name and/or initials. I hope that this will be a fun and worthwhile venture!

Eight minutes...not to bad for my first official step into the world of blogging...goodnight for now.